Fitness crisis

So,I've been alittle lazy in the weight lifting department ever since I quit Equinox back in August.Part of the reason was because I now had to make an effort to go to the gym when before I was already there.The other reason was that I was enjoying the lack of discipline it takes to eat a million times a day and be sore all the time.Mind you,I was still exercising a few times a week,just not the same intense type of workouts.Something in me has snapped,though,within the last few days.For one,I haven't been able to sleep well.It's been annoying the shit out of me that I'm up till all hours,wide awake.The main reason is that I do not like how my body feels.I feel weak,sluggish,foggy,and my eating is all over the place.Fresh Direct has saved me from not having enough of my food staples in the house.Meat,eggs,sweet potatoes and veggies need to always be in fridge for me to function.SO the bug up my butt has had me up between 8-9am for the last few days(even on my day off!),getting to the gym before work,back on my split routine.I'm cooking again and I'm tired when I'm supposed to be.It's amazing what only a few days of discipline will do for you.Now I'm checking competition schedules for the spring since it will take me that long to get my body back up to par.And even though the crazy strict lifestyle can sometimes be annoying,I felt lost without it.Also,as a result,my magic has grown stronger.My body is a vessel for my magic.It needs to function properly.Sometimes I forget to listen to my own advice.On that note,off to the witch store. In Fitness and Magic, Ammo

New stuff

It's been a few months since I've written.The last time I wrote about my long awaited transfer to Soho.Well,let me tell you I should've done that a long time ago.I'm doing better financially,having only been here since mid January,than I was the whole last year in midtown.Just goes to show you trusting your gut is a good thing.I no longer get funny looks,quite the opposite,compliments!!!Plus,there's a handful of some really cool celebrities that just sink into the scenery and I now train musicians,actors and artists as opposed to stuffy executives.Blech!!!I should be cleaning my house right now because it's in shambles since I'm working so much.Not complaining!This is the happiest I've been with the company since I started in 2007.Now I'm starting to think about music again and getting that sewing machine so I can get back to my creative outlets.I'm also a few weeks into training with my first professional bodybuilding coach for my August figure competition.I look forward to being on stage in the best shape of my life,a month before turning 40,all weirdly tan and in a bedazzled bikini!And,who knows,I might just decided to shave my hair into a mohawk again the night before.Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

New beginnings

As usual,it's been forever since I've posted.I've been up to quite a bit since the beginning of the year.A major change was my decision to transfer to the Soho location at work.My coworkers at Graybar are among the most important people in my life but I was really miserable working there.The clientele are highly stressed,conservative,narrow minded and judgemental( not all of them,but most).Someone I spoke to recently in Soho,who goes to both,called them douchebag business men.I got pretty sick of the very obvious disapproving looks every day.It was really starting to wear me down and gave me no motivation to build my business after i stepped down from management.Mind you,I have done extremely well there in the past so I figured I could do it again but I was past the point of pretending to be someone else.It's just too fucking exhausting.I'm a strong believer in energy and that place was sucking the life out of me.That whole neighborhood has a black cloud over it.Blech!I've been in Soho for a month and I'm able to be myself,I'm very supported by management,and everyone is happy there!These members are designers,actors,models etc.Young,edgy,tattoos everywhere!Wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!!I'm home!
In other news,I have started doing tai chi everyday,which has had a huge effect on me.The major one was the desire to quit drinking.It has made me realize that it just isn't enjoyable anymore.It makes me depressed and irritable and clarity is very important to me right now.I've also stopped having coffee.Sugar is next.I felt best during those 3 months when I was training to compete before I pulled a groin muscle and I'm going back to that mindset.Having a gluten and dairy intolerance makes certain things easier.I'm contemplating competing in June,as I will be financially stable and able to afford all the prep(shoes,suit,TAN!)Yoga will definitely be part of the process this time to avoid being too rigid and the tai chi will keep me centered.Not to mention having an awesomely supportive boyfriend.I love you Joshua!
My magical practices have also taken an extremely dramatic turn.For one,all the altars I've had for years have been dismantled.They no longer worked for me.I've also stopped doing outer work like using incense and candles,etc to doing just energy work and the thai chi fits into that very well.I realized (through the clarity of not drinking) that I can't manifest anything if my minds not sharp and my energy is all over the place.
I also went back to F.I.T. for a class and hope to get a machine soon so I can get back to designing again.It's been years and I miss it.If it turns into money,awesome,right now I just need it.And,being back on stage was a blast.I'll be doing that again soon.
So,as you can see I've got big plans going on for this dragon year.Can't wait to see how it all turns out.I think chopping my hair off started something big!Releasing the negativity!!!!

Lots to look forward to and lots to leave behind.....

I haven't written since March.I let my Internet get turned off because it wasn't a priority.I have the iPhone and the computers at work,why was I spending extra money?Well,I'm starting to get over this phone so it'll be back on soon.This is coming to you from my phone and it's a bitch to type all this on my phone but I felt the need.I turned 39 on Monday.I felt like I was turning 40.I'm going through lots of inner dialogue at the moment.Am I happy?Am I doing what I should be doing to live my life to the fullest?Why don't I have more money?What have I accomplished?The truth is there's things I need to change and things that are just perfect the way they are.I'm in a loving relationship with an amazing man that I'm lucky to have in my life.My career is a different story.Years ago my life was dedicated to the fashion industry.F.I.T. was the only place I would attend college.I told my parents if I didn't get in I wasn't going.Luckily,I was accepted and excelled.I have shoes I made in a Macys ad and in Septembers Vogue in Alumni Hall.I busted my ass in school.Couldn't imagine doing anything else.I worked for a childrens footwear company for a few years after college that went sour because I was laid off in a sketchy manner.The whole industry put a bad taste in my mouth from then on.The next 10 years were fun filled,performance madness and partying debauchery that was totally worth it.4 years ago I took myself out of the scene to start a new career in the fitness industry,because it's always been a big part of my life.I've helped many people become healthier and I will continue to inspire those in need of motivation and support.Im realizing,though,that my first love,fashion is fighting to get me to pay attention to what I need to do next.So,while I continue to train I will be attending classes to learn the clothing side of fashion(I majored in accessories the last time around).I have to say,I haven't been this excited since I filmed my witchy DVDs, which should be released around Halloween.Stay tuned for a post about the release party.I'm off to read myself to sleep.Glad to be back.See you next time.

Me versus my body

I felt the need to write this after deciding today that I can't eat the majority of protein bars because I can see the effects of all the sugar,carbs and whatnot literally land on my belly and it does not make me happy.I'm on a very strict diet due to my competition prep and those stupid bars are the only thing slightly resembling chocolate.I jumped into this competition very late in the game.Most people train for at least 4 months to prepare.I decided to do it with only ten weeks till showtime.Mind you I will NOT get on stage if I'm not ready.I will do the July show or October but I'm determined to do everything humanly possible to be ready for June 4th.I'm going to war with my body.Starting at 113lbs.I must gain at least 7 lbs of muscle before I can start to lose body fat.Right now that means eating alot and lifting as heavy as I possibly can.Then,I will have to do lots of cardio to get my body fat down so I can see all the muscle definition.
   Those of you that have known me since my late 20's only know me looking like this or some version of.In my early to mid 20's I was at least 20 pounds heavier and not in shape and when I was in high school and college I was chubby.Food has always been the bane of my existence and I want to punch people when they tell how naturally thin I am.I grew up on mac and cheese and twizzlers.It's what made me want to be a trainer and healthy person.Not only does unhealthy food make you fat but the amount of diseases that develop from being overweight or just having too much around your midsection.I go home to see family and it's depressing to see what condition they are in and they're struggle to find the willpower to change,or lack of caring for themselves.To this day I'm fully aware of my addiction to sugar and it makes me crazy that I can't just banish it.I've realized very recently that as long as I don't have anything sweet I don't want it but put just a sliver of dark chocolate in front of me and I will eat the whole bar before you can blink.It really grosses me out and makes me feel like crap.So,not only am I doing this competition because of my deep desire to look like a super hero but it's to challenge myself to not cheat on this diet I have to be on in order to succeed.Egg whites,oatmeal,chicken,veggies,sweet potatoes,protein powder,and everything is measured.THAT"S IT.As I get closer the sweet potatoes will dwindle.And at that time I will be a miserable bitch.
   I have never done anything competitive,athletically,so I've been very intrigued by the process.And,since my drinking Jack out of the bottle and being out till 5am days are over I feel like I could finally do this without failing.As I enter my 3rd week I'm 2lbs heavier and constantly starving.My body knows now that every three hours it's supposed to be fed.I feel stronger and lifting more weight every day.I attended my boss' show yesterday to get an idea of what I was in for.A real eye opener.For one,there were alot of women that I didn't think were ready to compete.Some of them were terrified on stage (considering what I've done on stage that's the least of my worries; )) and others didn't look in proportion at all.Now I know what not to do,what kind of swimsuit I need and to friggin' smile!I'm even more stoked to get up there.And although I know that having alot of ink will be points against me(they can't see definition as easily) I want to do it for myself.To know that I won the war.

Some thoughts.....

I've come to the conclusion lately that I think more negatively than I was aware of.I've been making a point of checking in with my thoughts throughout the day and usually I'm complaining about something.I'm not happy about it so I'm making an effort to curb my bad thoughts.Let me tell you it's much easier to be cranky than positive.I did yoga for the first time in a long time today because it's one of the things that really forces me,if I'm consistent,to think happy thoughts.I'm trying to make major changes in my life in general and if I stay in this head space it will not come to fruition.I was thinking about when that started for me because I wasn't like this when I was younger.In my early twenties I went to dance clubs,my favorite band was Deee-Lite and my hair was platinum blonde.Sometime after that it went downhill,I started listening to angry music and I started to complain because it was somehow a bonding experience with the new crowd I hung out with.It's been a long time since I've been around those people but it stuck with me for some reason.I need to start playing mind games with myself to get me out of this bad habit.

In other news I've made a significant change in my work schedule so I don't go in before 11am on most days of the week.I need a few more clients to have enough but I've gained 7 since the beginning of February after a reality check kicked me into high gear.After almost 4 years of an early morning schedule I've come to the conclusion that I'm not now nor will I ever be a morning person and I refuse to keep torturing myself.Another move in a positive direction.Now I'm off to dye my hair and make a mess in my extremely small bathroom Tootles!

The latest.....

I've been quite bored.I've also been okay with it.I hate winter.It makes me want to stay in my pajamas and read.My weekends have been lazily spent at Josh's,cooking dinner,watching Fringe and other activities that are none of your business.It's been wonderful.I'm usually  miserable for the entire season but I've been seeing it as a nice break.See,I feel a busy season coming and I'm ready for it.So,I'm taking advantage of the time I have right now to do absolutely nothing.The witchcraft dvds should be released by the end of March.I'm not exactly sure how these will affect my life but I feel something good.I'm getting my website set up,www.ammoconquerstheworld.com.Josh came up with that.It works great for an umbrella website name.The fitness dvd is on hold indefinitely.I'm relieved because I went from working on the first 2 dvds to immediately working on the next one.Instead.I'm focusing on changing my training schedule so I don't have to wake up before 9.It's coming together nicely I'm happy to say.I suck at motivating myself to pick up clients but the second I do they fall in my lap.
The one thing I'm really excited about is that I'm drawing again.When I was in high school and F.I.T. I loved drawing.I even still have some of them.The other day I decided I needed a hobby.Working out has become work and I'm not completely ready to throw myself into the music thing again.Everything else I'm into costs too much at the moment(silks classes,krav maga,singing lessons etc)I forgot how relaxing it is to draw,especially when you're not trying to make a masterpiece.I don't know when I started doing this but somewhere along my creative life I started to get extremely impatient and didn't appreciate the journey anymore.Then,I became so obssessed with the outcome I had in mind,that I never really got anything going for too long before I decided it was taking too long.And although I'm already thinking of getting into painting eventually I'm not in a rush to get there.I went to the MET with Mimi today and really looked at everything for the first time in years.I don't think I've  been enjoying visual art because deep down I knew I had abandoned it without really trying.I'm aware that I expect perfection from myself(damn the Virgo personality!) but I'm not always so aware that it's utterly ridiculous to expect that of myself and I'll never enjoy being an artist if that's how I look at it.I plan on spending alot more time at museums this year and in the park drawing whatever catches my fancy.I feel the spring energy coming and I can't wait!